Perhaps before you can begin your quest to find the real you - and love yourself unconditionally - you must first ask yourself what love is. Loving someone is different than being in love. Loving a person is different than loving an inanimate object or a place. Loving yourself is different than loving your best friend, although maybe it shouldn’t be. Certain rules about loving oneself can be applied to a relationship, but the truth is, most people don’t try to build a relationship with themselves. Maybe we can learn how to love ourselves when we examine how we love others.
If you take a survey of random people, asking, “What is love?” you will probably hear many answers that apply to romance and other superficial experiences. As silly as it may seem, I often discover poignant quotes about love in music, film, and television. One of my favorite responses to this question was the following (see if you can guess the source):
"... It's not the greeting cards and sunsets and flowers part. That's easy. That's not real. It's about doing the things you don't want to do, the stuff that makes you mad, the stuff you do without even being asked. It's about having a friend and knowing when to shut up."
In addition, if you ask people at random, “How do you know you love someone?” you may very well receive answers pertaining to very subjective emotions or scientific theories. My favorite answer would have to be, “You just do.”
The truth is, there are no easy, simple, or fixed answers when it comes to the subject of love. Every person on this Earth loves differently. It does not make one way better than another. It does not mean that any one person loves more than another. It does not mean that any one person is happier in their relationship than another. Love is what you make of it. It was recently suggested to me that there are 2 kinds of lovers in this world: the kind who live to love and the kind who live independently of love. While there may be some truth to this theory, I believe love has many more shades of gray between those scenarios. In addition, there are some who believe there are 2 kinds of love: young and mature. The problem I perceive with this theory is in the semantics; is the age of the lovers in question or their relationship?
I hesitate to define exactly what love is because each of us have our own idea – an unwritten list if you will – of the qualities we look for in a compatible mate, the one we are destines to spend the rest of our lives with. If after reading this entry you still feel empty handed, consider this: what do you need to feel loved? Take a few minutes to put into writing the qualities you look for in a compatible partner in order from most important to those that are slightly less important. (Don’t feel it necessary to include physical attractiveness.) The following would be mine:
1. Kind/compassionate/thoughtful
2. Open-minded/flexible
3. Sense of humor
4. Positive
5. Well-behaved/respectful
6. Creative
7. Passionate/sexually compatible
8. Spontaneous
9. Intelligent
10. Financially responsible
When you have completed your list, ask yourself how well not only your partner fits into this design, but how well you personally possess these qualities.
Perhaps the answers you've been looking for were inside you the whole time…
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