The Wise Bride

Taken from http://www.reocities.com/Area51/Comet/9418/Weddingnight.html:

19th Century Wedding Night

Instruction and advice for the
Young Bride

by Ruth Smythers

Beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers,
Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church
of the Eastern Regional Conference
Published in the year of our Lord 1894
Spiritual Guidance Press, New York City

O the sensitive young woman who has had the
benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is,
ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying
day of her life. On the positive side, there is the
wedding itself, in which the bride is the central
attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony,
symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to
provide for all her needs for the rest of her life.
On the negative side, there is the wedding night,
during which the bride must pay the piper, so to
speak, by facing for the first time the terrible
experience of sex.


At this point, dear reader, let me concede one
shocking truth.Some young women actually
anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity
and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and
sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a
bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never
be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND
ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what
could have been a proper marriage could become an
orgy of sexual lust.


On the other hand, the bride's terror need not
be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at
worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has
been by women since the beginning of time, and is
compensated for by the monogamous home and by
the children produced through it. It is useless, in
most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom
to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal
husband would be one who would approach his
bride only at her request and only for the purpose
of begetting offspring, such nobility and
unselfishness cannot be expected from the average
man.


Most men, if not denied, would demand sex
almost every day. The wise bride will permit a
maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly
during the first months of marriage. As time goes
by she should make every effort to reduce this
frequency.


Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are
among the wife's best friends in this matter.
Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also
prove very effective, if used in the late evening
about an hour before the husband would normally
commence his seduction.


Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and
better methods of denying and discouraging the
amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife
should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to
once a week by the end of the first year of marriage
and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of
marriage.


By their tenth anniversary many wives have
managed to complete their child bearing and have
achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all
sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she
can depend upon his love for the children and
social pressures to hold the husband in the home.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity
of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay
equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of
sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather
perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage
in quite a variety of the most revolting practices.
These practices include among others performing
the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the
female body; and offering their own vile bodies to
be mouthed in turn.


Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about
sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting
or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the
male is likely to acquire if permitted.


A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow
her husband to see her unclothed body, and never
allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex,
when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced
only in total darkness. Many women have found it
useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for
themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These
should be donned in separate rooms. They need not
be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of
flesh is exposed.


Once the bride has donned her gown and turned
off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the
bed and await her groom. When he comes groping
into the room she should make no sound to guide
him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of
encouragement. She should let him grope in the
dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble
and incur some slight injury which she can use as
an excuse to deny him sexual access.


When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as
possible. Bodily motion on her part could be
interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic
husband.


If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should
turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls
harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to
kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her
gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she
should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring
from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to
the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to
kiss in the forbidden territory.


If the husband attempts to seduce her with
lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly
remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask
him. Once he answers she should keep the
conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may
seem at the time.


Eventually, the husband will learn that if he
insists on having sexual contact, he must get on
with it without amorous embellishment. The wise
wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther
than the waist, and only permit him to open the
front of his pajamas to thus make connection.


She should be absolutely silent or babble about
her housework while he is huffing and puffing
away. Above all, she should lie perfectly still and
never under any circumstances grunt or groan
while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband
has completed the act, the wise wife will start
nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes
him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a
major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the
peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is
over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no
peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he
might be encouraged to soon try for more.


One heartening factor for which the wife can be
grateful is the fact that the husband's home,
school, church, and social environment have been
working together all through his life to instill in
him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual
feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch
apologetically and filled with shame, already half
cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this
advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to
limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's
desire for sexual expression.

Insure Your Heart

It is inevitable.  All couples fight… eventually.  No matter what you choose to call it – or how you do it – the reality is that disagreements, quarrels, debates, arguments, and fights occur in every serious relationship.  While fights are not in any sense pleasant or “fun”, they can sometimes be necessary and are often constructive.

Although most people would say that they would prefer to find an alternative method to settling a dispute, the emotions present in a fight may be the key to resolving some conflicts.  One partner may not be aware of the magnitude at which their actions affect the other until he or she sees their loved one so upset.

The notion of fighting fair has always been strange to me.  I have never understood how a person can win a fight when he or she has hurt the one they love.  I know that when my husband is hurting, it only hurts me more to know that I can’t fix his problem.  How should one feel when he or she IS their partner’s problem?

Marriage is not a subject in which a person can study in a class.  It encompasses much more than cooking, cleaning, child care, budgeting, home maintenance, and communication.  It also involves learning to compromise, as well as learning when to make a sacrifice and when to stand your ground.  These are not skills we can learn in a classroom.  They are skills we learn by watching our parents and by watching our peers.  To an individual who grew up in a home with relatively little conflict -- or parents who hid their conflict well -- a fight between a couple on film may be the only examples he or she has to compare their own conflicts to.

If we pretend that there exists such a notion as a “fair fight”, rule #1 would have to be Never compare your relationship to someone else’s.  No two relationships are alike, so why should the fights between any two couples be alike?  Granted, there must be a finite amount of solutions to any given problem, but do not assume that because you have found one similarity between your relationship and a friend’s that your situations are identical.  Even identical twins do not necessarily fight the same way. 

That leads me to rule #2: Never involve your friends and families in your private affairs.  For some of us, venting our frustrations on Facebook or Twitter -- or even by blog -- may seem like an acceptable solution in the heat of the moment, but this only create an opportunity for others to feel the need to offer anecdotes about their own personal experiences, to gossip, and to form opinions about not only your partner, but you as well.  In addition, publicizing your dirty laundry could potentially further damage your relationship, preventing a reconciliation in the future.

Also, consider the permanence of your written words.  Leaving a paper trail, like Facebook posts, emails, and texts could potentially come back to haunt you, especially in the court of law.  This also applies to voicemails.  If you must vent your frustration, consider writing in a journal or writing your partner a letter.  This letter does not have to be shared.  You may feel free to keep it as a personal reminder, or discard it in some dramatic fashion.

In addition, keep in mind that those we call “friends” on Facebook are not always the best representation of this sentiment.  One way to help prevent some fights is to surround yourselves with positive people.  In doing so, you not only provide positive role models for yourselves, but you also create a support group, in a matter of speaking, who will help remind you to be strong through difficult times.  Also, avoid people who provoke your arguments, especially those who provoke a sense of competitiveness in you and/or your partner if you know this often leads to unhealthy competition.

If you must seek outside council, find a neutral third party who will treat your situation with respect.  You might consider contacting your health insurance company for referrals for mental health specialists within your network.  You may also seek help through your church or community center, which may be free of charge.  It is also important to seek the advice of someone who not only has strong professional credentials, but a long and successful marriage -- or partnership -- as well.  

Despite the seriousness of the issue at hand, there are 2 rules every couple should remember during a fight; rule #3: Don’t focus on the negative, and rule #4: Revisit positive issues.  I believe that these rules are much more productive than Never go to bed angry and Always kiss me goodnight.  It is important to acknowledge when you are having a problem, but when a disagreement lasts for more than 24 hours, it may be a good idea to take a break from the fighting together or individually and focus on the reasons you wanted to marry one another (or be together) to begin with.  People do change, but there are some core qualities that never do.  Ask yourself how your former selves would have handled this situation, and try to see the situation from a fresh perspective.

That being said, it is perfectly acceptable to take break.  How you choose to do this is up to you.  Some people like to take a long walk or drive by themselves; some engage in a craft or physical activity; some feel it necessary to stay in a hotel or at a friend or relative’s home overnight; and still some feel the need to move out temporarily.  Depending on the size of your home, you may be able to take a break within your own living space.  More importantly, be willing to forgive and forget in your own time.  Again, you are not your parents, your best friends, or your neighbors, and you are most certainly not the couple you saw on Dr. Phil or Alicia and Peter Florrick (The Good Wife).  As long as it does not begin to affect your daily routine, you should be allowed to take as long as you need to overcome the situation at hand.

However, be willing to address serious problems immediately.  Nothing has ever been solved by doing nothing.  Additionally, you will rarely find that the solution lies in repeating the same options you’ve already tried.  While there is some truth in getting back on the horse, it is also believed that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” (Albert Einstein). 

Furthermore, rule #5 is be willing to consider your partner’s point of view.  While you might think that you are listening to your partner’s opinions, you may not realize how much your own bias affects your ability to empathize with his or her feelings.  It may seem like you are admitting defeat or compromising your integrity to try to put yourself in his or her shoes, but if you agree to hear one another out completely without interrupting, you may both learn that you were missing some crucial aspect of each other’s argument.  If you are like most people -- including myself -- you may have a hard time turning off the wheels in your head while you listen to your partner.  If that is the case, you may want to take a few notes while he or she is speaking, but don’t let this distract you from giving them your full attention.  (You may even ask your partner to give you a moment to jot down your thought as not to offend them by writing while he or she is speaking.)

Try very hard not to place the blame exclusively on your partner.  If you do not feel comfortable sharing the responsibility, try to use “I” phrases instead of “you” phrases.  For example, try saying, “I feel bad when…,” instead of, “You make me feel bad when…”.  Consider your role in the fight or the events leading up to it.  It may seem easy to recognize your partner’s imperfections when you are upset, but realize no one is perfect, including yourself (Rule #6).  Pride can be a dangerous quality.  Consider the qualities you have that may irritate your partner, and create a list of “Marriage Resolutions”.  Brainstorm minor quirks to significant behavior issues, and develop a plan to change what needs to be “fixed”.

However, especially in the case of abusive relationships, know when to draw the line (Rule #7).  No one should have the power to make you question your integrity, doubt yourself for reasons beyond your control, or fear for your safety.  If you feel you are being abused emotionally, physically, or sexually, there are ways to get help and get away from the problem.  In some cases, there are even options to help get your partner the help he or she needs and to salvage your relationship.  Otherwise, there is most definitely someone else in this world who will accept you for all of your flaws, and even embrace them.

If you decide that your relationship cannot be salvaged, please follow rule #8.  End one relationship before you start another.  Don’t waste anyone’s time, and don’t burn your bridges.  The guilt alone that comes with an affair could be life-long.  Furthermore, if you are caught, you run the risk of living with the stigma of being untrustworthy.  If your partner is caught cheating, don’t believe that you have the right to retaliate.  It may sound elementary, but two wrongs don’t make a right.  You not only open yourself up to further emotional distress, but you could expose yourself to disease, and you could potentially limit your compensation in the court of law.

If you choose to stay with your spouse after an affair has been brought to light, realize that just because you don’t leave it doesn’t mean that you are weak or a hypocrite.  However, ask yourself why you are still there.  Are you staying because you truly love this person, you are willing to forgive them, and you honestly believe that you can reconcile?  If so, then your choice to stay only emphasizes the strength of your bond.  If the answer to any of those questions is no, then there may be a problem.  Do you fear that if you leave your partner you won’t have anywhere to go, you might hurt your children, or you might lose the respect o f your friends and family?  Then, you probably shouldn’t be in this relationship anymore.  Again, help is out there.

On the other hand, if your partner is the one that chooses to end the relationship, don’t become a “Stage 5 Clinger”.  Consider this: do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love you as much as you love them?  More importantly, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love you as much as you deserve to be loved?  Don’t assume that this is your one true love.  Maybe it was your destinies to be together for this time to grow so you could both find that one person you were meant to be with.

In addition, Never EVER threaten, blackmail, or guilt someone into staying with you.  Not only is this morally corrupt, but it holds legal implications as well.  You may also find that people aren’t very receptive to those who are deceptive, malicious, and downright insane.  If you think that forcing someone to remain in a relationship with you is a just punishment for hurting you, you are wrong.  More importantly, if you think that forcing someone to remain in a relationship with you will make them fall (back) in love with you, you are tragically mistaken.  It may sound cliché, but there is some truth in the saying “If you love something set it free.  If it comes back, it’s yours; if not, it was never meant to be.”

And finally, rule #10: Children (or pets) won’t fix your problems, neither will alcohol (or drugs).  I cannot stress this point enough.  If you think that bringing a new life into your home will strengthen your bond, you may be right, but only if there is a bond left to strengthen.  Also, babies (and similarly pets) take so much work; they will only add to the stress you are already experiencing.  Furthermore, if you don’t want to feel the effects of your fighting (and potential breakup), why would you want to subject another innocent individual to this pain?  On the other hand, if you think using alcohol or drugs will make your problems go away, you are also sadly mistaken.  Substance abuse will only mask your problems temporarily and create further issues in the future, including social issues and health issues.  In fact, alcohol and many drugs fall under the “depressant” category, which means that they will actually cause you to feel worse than addressing your problems sober.

So, the next time you find yourself in an argument with the one you love, ask yourself this: Why are we fighting?  What am I trying to prove?  Is “winning” this fight really worth hurting the person I love most?  Maybe if one of you is willing to consider an alternative approach, you can begin to improve your abilities to resolve conflicts, and more importantly, share a long and happy life together.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive...

Perhaps before you can begin your quest to find the real you - and love yourself unconditionally - you must first ask yourself what love is.  Loving someone is different than being in love.  Loving a person is different than loving an inanimate object or a place.  Loving yourself is different than loving your best friend, although maybe it shouldn’t be.  Certain rules about loving oneself can be applied to a relationship, but the truth is, most people don’t try to build a relationship with themselves.  Maybe we can learn how to love ourselves when we examine how we love others.

If you take a survey of random people, asking, “What is love?” you will probably hear many answers that apply to romance and other superficial experiences.  As silly as it may seem, I often discover poignant quotes about love in music, film, and television.  One of my favorite responses to this question was the following (see if you can guess the source):

 "... It's not the greeting cards and sunsets and flowers part. That's easy. That's not real. It's about doing the things you don't want to do, the stuff that makes you mad, the stuff you do without even being asked. It's about having a friend and knowing when to shut up."

In addition, if you ask people at random, “How do you know you love someone?” you may very well receive answers pertaining to very subjective emotions or scientific theories.  My favorite answer would have to be, “You just do.”

The truth is, there are no easy, simple, or fixed answers when it comes to the subject of love.  Every person on this Earth loves differently.  It does not make one way better than another.  It does not mean that any one person loves more than another.  It does not mean that any one person is happier in their relationship than another.  Love is what you make of it.  It was recently suggested to me that there are 2 kinds of lovers in this world: the kind who live to love and the kind who live independently of love.  While there may be some truth to this theory, I believe love has many more shades of gray between those scenarios.  In addition, there are some who believe there are 2 kinds of love: young and mature.  The problem I perceive with this theory is in the semantics; is the age of the lovers in question or their relationship?

I hesitate to define exactly what love is because each of us have our own idea – an unwritten list if you will – of the qualities we look for in a compatible mate, the one we are destines to spend the rest of our lives with.  If after reading this entry you still feel empty handed, consider this: what do you need to feel loved?  Take a few minutes to put into writing the qualities you look for in a compatible partner in order from most important to those that are slightly less important.  (Don’t feel it necessary to include physical attractiveness.)  The following would be mine:

1.       Kind/compassionate/thoughtful

2.       Open-minded/flexible

3.       Sense of humor

4.       Positive

5.       Well-behaved/respectful

6.       Creative

7.       Passionate/sexually compatible

8.       Spontaneous

9.       Intelligent

10.   Financially responsible

When you have completed your list, ask yourself how well not only your partner fits into this design, but how well you personally possess these qualities.

Perhaps the answers you've been looking for were inside you the whole time…

Your Request Has Been Backordered

Despite what would likely be an extreme demand for such a product, we know that a universal, fool-proof manual for life does not exist.  If it did, I’m sure my copy would still be on backorder.

Throughout my life, I always tried to do the “right thing.”  I’ve put others first and done my best to make those I love happy.  In doing so, I had forgotten about myself.  Although I am deeply in love with my husband and do not regret marrying him for one moment, I realized that I lost a sense of my own identity in the years that we have been together.  This circumstance is by no means his fault either.  It is no one’s fault but my own.  I can’t help but wonder, if someone had warned me about giving up that part of myself, would I now be a more confident and self-aware individual?

Unfortunately, I’m not alone in this self-induced smothering of one’s identity.  I only hope I may help others realize that it’s never too late to rediscover who you were, to be the person your partner fell in love with.  After all, if you don’t know who you are, how can anyone love the real you? 

My quest to regain a sense of identity began with the creation of a bucket list.  I’m not the girl I was in high school, but if I want to figure out who I am, I know that I will have to try things that exist outside of the comfort zone I am now used to.

If I could offer any advice for starting your own quest, it would be:

*Consider the activities you’ve been neglecting that used to bring you pleasure.

*Create a list of things you’ve never tried but always wanted to, then determine which are the easiest to achieve in the short-term.

*Make a pact with your significant other to never stop having fun; try new things, be spontaneous, and never settle for ordinary.

*Motivate and support one another, and set goals both individually and as a team.

*Don’t be afraid to look silly or to fail; bad experiences build as much character as the good.

I wish you the best of luck…