It is inevitable. All couples fight… eventually. No matter what you choose to call it – or how you do it – the reality is that disagreements, quarrels, debates, arguments, and fights occur in every serious relationship. While fights are not in any sense pleasant or “fun”, they can sometimes be necessary and are often constructive.
Although most people would say that they would prefer to find an alternative method to settling a dispute, the emotions present in a fight may be the key to resolving some conflicts. One partner may not be aware of the magnitude at which their actions affect the other until he or she sees their loved one so upset.
The notion of fighting fair has always been strange to me. I have never understood how a person can win a fight when he or she has hurt the one they love. I know that when my husband is hurting, it only hurts me more to know that I can’t fix his problem. How should one feel when he or she IS their partner’s problem?
Marriage is not a subject in which a person can study in a class. It encompasses much more than cooking, cleaning, child care, budgeting, home maintenance, and communication. It also involves learning to compromise, as well as learning when to make a sacrifice and when to stand your ground. These are not skills we can learn in a classroom. They are skills we learn by watching our parents and by watching our peers. To an individual who grew up in a home with relatively little conflict -- or parents who hid their conflict well -- a fight between a couple on film may be the only examples he or she has to compare their own conflicts to.
If we pretend that there exists such a notion as a “fair fight”, rule #1 would have to be Never compare your relationship to someone else’s. No two relationships are alike, so why should the fights between any two couples be alike? Granted, there must be a finite amount of solutions to any given problem, but do not assume that because you have found one similarity between your relationship and a friend’s that your situations are identical. Even identical twins do not necessarily fight the same way.
That leads me to rule #2: Never involve your friends and families in your private affairs. For some of us, venting our frustrations on Facebook or Twitter -- or even by blog -- may seem like an acceptable solution in the heat of the moment, but this only create an opportunity for others to feel the need to offer anecdotes about their own personal experiences, to gossip, and to form opinions about not only your partner, but you as well. In addition, publicizing your dirty laundry could potentially further damage your relationship, preventing a reconciliation in the future.
Also, consider the permanence of your written words. Leaving a paper trail, like Facebook posts, emails, and texts could potentially come back to haunt you, especially in the court of law. This also applies to voicemails. If you must vent your frustration, consider writing in a journal or writing your partner a letter. This letter does not have to be shared. You may feel free to keep it as a personal reminder, or discard it in some dramatic fashion.
In addition, keep in mind that those we call “friends” on Facebook are not always the best representation of this sentiment. One way to help prevent some fights is to surround yourselves with positive people. In doing so, you not only provide positive role models for yourselves, but you also create a support group, in a matter of speaking, who will help remind you to be strong through difficult times. Also, avoid people who provoke your arguments, especially those who provoke a sense of competitiveness in you and/or your partner if you know this often leads to unhealthy competition.
If you must seek outside council, find a neutral third party who will treat your situation with respect. You might consider contacting your health insurance company for referrals for mental health specialists within your network. You may also seek help through your church or community center, which may be free of charge. It is also important to seek the advice of someone who not only has strong professional credentials, but a long and successful marriage -- or partnership -- as well.
Despite the seriousness of the issue at hand, there are 2 rules every couple should remember during a fight; rule #3: Don’t focus on the negative, and rule #4: Revisit positive issues. I believe that these rules are much more productive than Never go to bed angry and Always kiss me goodnight. It is important to acknowledge when you are having a problem, but when a disagreement lasts for more than 24 hours, it may be a good idea to take a break from the fighting together or individually and focus on the reasons you wanted to marry one another (or be together) to begin with. People do change, but there are some core qualities that never do. Ask yourself how your former selves would have handled this situation, and try to see the situation from a fresh perspective.
That being said, it is perfectly acceptable to take break. How you choose to do this is up to you. Some people like to take a long walk or drive by themselves; some engage in a craft or physical activity; some feel it necessary to stay in a hotel or at a friend or relative’s home overnight; and still some feel the need to move out temporarily. Depending on the size of your home, you may be able to take a break within your own living space. More importantly, be willing to forgive and forget in your own time. Again, you are not your parents, your best friends, or your neighbors, and you are most certainly not the couple you saw on Dr. Phil or Alicia and Peter Florrick (The Good Wife). As long as it does not begin to affect your daily routine, you should be allowed to take as long as you need to overcome the situation at hand.
However, be willing to address serious problems immediately. Nothing has ever been solved by doing nothing. Additionally, you will rarely find that the solution lies in repeating the same options you’ve already tried. While there is some truth in getting back on the horse, it is also believed that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” (Albert Einstein).
Furthermore, rule #5 is be willing to consider your partner’s point of view. While you might think that you are listening to your partner’s opinions, you may not realize how much your own bias affects your ability to empathize with his or her feelings. It may seem like you are admitting defeat or compromising your integrity to try to put yourself in his or her shoes, but if you agree to hear one another out completely without interrupting, you may both learn that you were missing some crucial aspect of each other’s argument. If you are like most people -- including myself -- you may have a hard time turning off the wheels in your head while you listen to your partner. If that is the case, you may want to take a few notes while he or she is speaking, but don’t let this distract you from giving them your full attention. (You may even ask your partner to give you a moment to jot down your thought as not to offend them by writing while he or she is speaking.)
Try very hard not to place the blame exclusively on your partner. If you do not feel comfortable sharing the responsibility, try to use “I” phrases instead of “you” phrases. For example, try saying, “I feel bad when…,” instead of, “You make me feel bad when…”. Consider your role in the fight or the events leading up to it. It may seem easy to recognize your partner’s imperfections when you are upset, but realize no one is perfect, including yourself (Rule #6). Pride can be a dangerous quality. Consider the qualities you have that may irritate your partner, and create a list of “Marriage Resolutions”. Brainstorm minor quirks to significant behavior issues, and develop a plan to change what needs to be “fixed”.
However, especially in the case of abusive relationships, know when to draw the line (Rule #7). No one should have the power to make you question your integrity, doubt yourself for reasons beyond your control, or fear for your safety. If you feel you are being abused emotionally, physically, or sexually, there are ways to get help and get away from the problem. In some cases, there are even options to help get your partner the help he or she needs and to salvage your relationship. Otherwise, there is most definitely someone else in this world who will accept you for all of your flaws, and even embrace them.
If you decide that your relationship cannot be salvaged, please follow rule #8. End one relationship before you start another. Don’t waste anyone’s time, and don’t burn your bridges. The guilt alone that comes with an affair could be life-long. Furthermore, if you are caught, you run the risk of living with the stigma of being untrustworthy. If your partner is caught cheating, don’t believe that you have the right to retaliate. It may sound elementary, but two wrongs don’t make a right. You not only open yourself up to further emotional distress, but you could expose yourself to disease, and you could potentially limit your compensation in the court of law.
If you choose to stay with your spouse after an affair has been brought to light, realize that just because you don’t leave it doesn’t mean that you are weak or a hypocrite. However, ask yourself why you are still there. Are you staying because you truly love this person, you are willing to forgive them, and you honestly believe that you can reconcile? If so, then your choice to stay only emphasizes the strength of your bond. If the answer to any of those questions is no, then there may be a problem. Do you fear that if you leave your partner you won’t have anywhere to go, you might hurt your children, or you might lose the respect o f your friends and family? Then, you probably shouldn’t be in this relationship anymore. Again, help is out there.
On the other hand, if your partner is the one that chooses to end the relationship, don’t become a “Stage 5 Clinger”. Consider this: do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love you as much as you love them? More importantly, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love you as much as you deserve to be loved? Don’t assume that this is your one true love. Maybe it was your destinies to be together for this time to grow so you could both find that one person you were meant to be with.
In addition, Never EVER threaten, blackmail, or guilt someone into staying with you. Not only is this morally corrupt, but it holds legal implications as well. You may also find that people aren’t very receptive to those who are deceptive, malicious, and downright insane. If you think that forcing someone to remain in a relationship with you is a just punishment for hurting you, you are wrong. More importantly, if you think that forcing someone to remain in a relationship with you will make them fall (back) in love with you, you are tragically mistaken. It may sound cliché, but there is some truth in the saying “If you love something set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours; if not, it was never meant to be.”
And finally, rule #10: Children (or pets) won’t fix your problems, neither will alcohol (or drugs). I cannot stress this point enough. If you think that bringing a new life into your home will strengthen your bond, you may be right, but only if there is a bond left to strengthen. Also, babies (and similarly pets) take so much work; they will only add to the stress you are already experiencing. Furthermore, if you don’t want to feel the effects of your fighting (and potential breakup), why would you want to subject another innocent individual to this pain? On the other hand, if you think using alcohol or drugs will make your problems go away, you are also sadly mistaken. Substance abuse will only mask your problems temporarily and create further issues in the future, including social issues and health issues. In fact, alcohol and many drugs fall under the “depressant” category, which means that they will actually cause you to feel worse than addressing your problems sober.
So, the next time you find yourself in an argument with the one you love, ask yourself this: Why are we fighting? What am I trying to prove? Is “winning” this fight really worth hurting the person I love most? Maybe if one of you is willing to consider an alternative approach, you can begin to improve your abilities to resolve conflicts, and more importantly, share a long and happy life together.
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